Purity – That Invisible Line in the Sand
Recently, I led a purity class for 6th grade girls and their mothers.
We used the Passport-2-Purity curriculum by Dennis and Barbara Rainey. Over a six-week period, we discussed peer pressure, parental expectations, and (of course) the birds and the bees. The course ended with the daughters signing a “Wait-to-Date Contract” stating they would follow the guidance of their parents.
Together, each family set their own boundaries.
It was unanimously accepted the girls would not engage in sex before marriage, but other than that, the mothers and daughters decided what actions were beyond the acceptable standards. In other words, what would be allowed?
Holding hands? Dating in a group? Kissing? Being alone with a boy? Touching? .We never discussed it in class, but I imagined this:
Family #1 decides their line in the sand is: “No sex before marriage.” However, someone points out that wherever the line is drawn, many teenagers will step slightly past it. Whoa. Not good.
So Family #2 decides to draw the line at: “No touching below the neck.” Yet the mothers all agree they don’t want a boy’s grubby hands anywhere near their girls’ young bodies. Better move the line over a bit, just to be safe.
Family #3 has a brilliant idea: “No alone time with a boy.” But darling daughter argues that she’s looked forward to dating for years and besides, the boys she knows are super trustworthy.
Therefore, Family #4 compromises. Dating will be allowed but “No kissing.” Another mother rolls her eyes. That’s asking too much. Every girl has the right to a good night kiss on the front porch, right? But . . . what if they’re not on the front porch?
Family #5 wonders if “No physical contact“ might be appropriate. The teenagers could simply hang out with the family and have fun together. Family #5 decides to keep this idea to themselves though. Everyone would probably laugh.
Not an easy decision.
Where do you draw the line?
Wikimedia, compliments of Snowmanradio
Interesting question- my boys are grown and married so I don’t have that issue. However, my parents never talked to me about sex! I wish they had!
I’m not a parent, but I can tell you what MY parents did, that worked wonders for both my sister and me. Please be aware, though, my parents were (are) pretty liberal. Here’s the deal: I grew up knowing about sex. Literally, since kindergarten. It was never a mystery to me how babies were made. But this is what I was taught, “Sometimes, a man and woman love each other so much, they need to get this close.” Therefore, all I ever knew sex as, was a way true love was expressed.
When I hit 13, my mom said to me in the car one day, “Listen, I hope you make the right decisions. But if you ever decide to have sex, just wear a condom. I will say this, however: If a boy ever says ‘If you love me, you’ll have sex with me,’ he doesn’t love you. And you should wait.Oh yes, and if you come home pregnant, you’re out!”
Today, I’m 29, and I’ve had two boyfriends in my life. One I met when I was 18, and that lasted 5 years. The other (and current) one I met at 24, and now we’re planning to get married. Similar stories for my younger sister.
Case-in-point, sex was never a mystery to me, and therefore, I never felt the need to rebel. In fact, I used my mother’s words as the ultimate judgement of my self-worth, and I never felt pressure from a boy to do something before my time. I know this is a little unusual, but it worked, so I just thought I’d throw it out there as another perspective to consider.
–Shari
Ha! Karoline & Shari, you’ve given two extremes. Isn’t it interesting how different parents handle things? I’m in a rush right now, but I’ll be back to comment again later.
For a little background, my parents adopted my brother and me in their late 30s. They were FANTASTIC parents, and at 91 my mom is still hanging in there. Just not good with the whole sex thing! My mom still doesn’t like to talk about it… I love her anyway!
Karoline,
I think it’s a generational thing. Sixty years ago, nobody talked about sex. Especially to their children.
Fortunately, their children weren’t hearing much about sex from anyone else either. Now-a-days, kids hear about sex in preschool.
Shari,
I’m cringing from the top of my conservative head down to my conservative feet. But I bet you felt the same way reading my post.
Thanks for sharing your perspective.
V.V.,
LOL!! And a big smile. Yes, but I can always appreciate another perspective, just like you can.
I think it’s great when two opposing views can discuss these things respectfully, and that’s what I appreciate about your post and response!
Hoo boy. I really need to be thinking (and praying) about this now. My girl is only 5, but I know the time to have these conversations is now. I really don’t know the answer to this. Having been a red-blooded girl, I can’t imagine never having been kissed until my wedding day. That would have been the safest path, but I can’t imagine anyone being able to stick to that ideal. Hoo boy.